Hogwarts: The Untold Stories
by Red Furry Demon
Summary: Why does Tom hate his ancestors? What Cedric and Snape do in their spare time? How Dudley can be scared away from food? Why is Dumbledore more powerful than Voldemort? A collection of (crack)drabbles featuring various characters from the series.
1. The teacher with a mission

**Disclaimer:** All recognizable characters belong to JKR. Overall madness belongs to me.

**Warning:** crack. A lot of crack. You can expect literally _everything_ to happen here.

**IMPORTANT NOTE:** I'm not a native speaker of English, so if one of you notices some mistakes, be kind enough to **point them out**, will you? They would be corrected by the next update.

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**The teacher with a mission**

"Don't kill me!"

"That was not my intention" said the wizard with twinkling eyes, who had just Apparated in front of him. "I don't care if you're a Death Eater or not. However, professor Slughorn retires this year, and that's why I ask you to take the position of the Potions Master at Hogwarts."

Snape looked as if he was about to start crying.

"I'll do everything for you! I'll drop the Dark Arts! I'll spy on my Lord! I'll kill you when you ask for that! Just _d__on't send me to teach these morons!_"

The headmaster's eyes were now twinkling even more.

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**AN: Sev****erus ****was just**_** so**_** happy to be a ****professor****.**


	2. It's hard to be a baby

**Disclaimer:** same as in the first chapter.

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**It's hard to be a baby**

At some point before regaining his body...

"Wormtail!"

"At your service, my Lord!"

"Where's my teddy bear?"

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**AN: This just had to be written.**


	3. The Healing Curse

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**The Healing Curse**

Merlin was widely known of his supreme knowledge of alchemy, transfiguration and spell-creation as well as numerous discoveries he made. However, there was one thing he refused to take credit for.

A mighty wizard. Powerful magic. And a very dying knight.

"I'm going to help you," he said to Sir Galahad. "Just don't go anywhere and I'll try to do something about this bleeding."

He remembered reading about an ancient Aramaic spell used to heal from every wound and disease. There was no time to draw the required runes nor to gather any of the necessary ingredients, though... What was he supposed to do?

Hoping it will work, Merlin focused on the most important part of this spell: the incantation.

He pointed his wand at the man.

_"__Avada kedavra!__"_

It helped indeed. Just in the wrong way.

What Merlin was worried about, was what he was going to tell Arthur back in Camelot when the king asks about his knight.

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**AN: Oh yes. According to HP wiki, it used to be a healing spell.**


	4. The matter of lemon drops

****Disclaimer:** **same as in previous chapters.

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**The matter of lemon drops**

"Give it back! NOW!" Albus roared, whipping out his wand and firing the Bat Bogey Hex.

Only a quickly conjured shield saved Grindelwald's hide from the horrible fate.

"I've said it once, **give it back to its master! **_Expelliarmus!"_

Grindelwald felt the stick escaping his grasp.

Albus reached out his hand. His opponent had no other choice than to give up the small copper box.

Dumbledore opened it and took out a lemon drop.

He looked at Gellert. And at the drop. And again at Gellert.

"Wait... Did you just drop the Elder Wand?"

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**AN: Somehow, I can see lemon drops being the main cause of a full-fledged magical war.  
**


	5. Click, click

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**Click, click  
**

Somewhere in the Burrow, out of the sight of Molly...

_Click - click._

Push in, pull out. In, out. In, out.

_Click - click._

Since a long time, he hadn't been that happy.

_Click - click._

The rythmical movement was bringing ease of tension.

_Click - click._

Every time he did it, the lamp ignited and then went out.

_Click - click._

He was kneeling on the floor in the Burrow basement with a plug in his hand and an expression of sheer amusement on his face.

Arthur Weasley loved plugs.

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**AN: I can't remember where, but I saw a prompt of AW/plug/socket somewhere and couldn't resist the temptation to actually write it...**


	6. The Toad amongst the horses

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**The Toad amongst the horses**

Arrows and spears were pointed at her heart.

"Can you repeat how you called us, _human?_" snarled Bane.

"I'm sure I've just heard something along the lines of a 'filthy half-breed' and 'nearly-human intelligence'," said Magorian.

"Take your dirty paws off me!" shrieked the Lady in Pink. "I am a Ministry official!"

"Shut up!" Ronan barked. "This forest is called Forbidden for a reason! We don't want any visitors, from the Ministry or not!"

"Boys, wait," chimed in a voice. A young Centaur with silver hair and body stepped forward. "We don't have to kill her, do we? For example, er... could I keep her?"

"Oh come on, Raynold, the fact you were rejected by every mare in the Forest doesn't mean you have to run after humans!" said Bane.

Some of the younger Centaurs chuckled.

"Okay, just take her out of my sight," sighed Magorian, lowering his spear.

"Thanks, guys!" Raynold shouted, helping the Best Professor Ever (despite the vigorous protests) locate herself on his light-gray back.

"Sorry to bother you, my lady," he said to the shouting pink form when he was running into the depths of the Forest, "but are you into bestiality?"

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**AN: What could have happened after chapter 33 OotP...**

**Prompt: Umbridge/a Centaur pairing. Still, it isn't the weirdest story I've ever written. And yeah, I do have a few OCs and here you can meet one of them, a perverted Centaur.**


	7. Reading is beneficial

****Disclaimer:**** same as in previous chapters.

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**Reading is beneficial**

Hermione Granger was, indeed, a nerd.

She loved books; her favorite one was _Hogwarts: A History_, for a particular reason.

Few people have opened it on their own; even fewer had read anything beyond the first chapter. Pity they didn't even know what they were missing.

On page 139 was the last paragraph about the school; then, a graphic novel began - to be honest, quite a well-drawn Werewolf/Veela smut... Sadly, visible only to those who had carefully read all the previous pages.

And the rest of school was wondering why she carried that boring book everywhere...

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**AN: My beta's idea in this one.  
**


	8. Standardizing cauldron thickness -

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**Standardizing cauldron thickness will change the world**

Wormtail levitated a stone cauldron to the foot of the grave and filled it with water from his wand. Then, he threw the snakelike baby inside, stirring clockwise six times - the number of Horcruxes created. Bone, flesh, and blood, you know the drill. The infernal mixture sparked; Harry thought it was the end of all hope, that Voldemort would rise any moment now and fire the Killing Curse at him - when he saw a tiny chink close to the bottom of the cauldron.

A tiny chink _through which __the water was trickling on the ground._

* * *

Alas, Voldy's useless servant had no idea about the most elementary principles of cooking and did not consider the necessity of checking the water level. Or more important, purchasing a cauldron with Ministry certificate of safety...

Thus, the most powerful Dark wizard of the century got roasted, because cauldron thickness had not been fully standardized yet.

* * *

The next morning, a headline on the front page of the _Prophet_ caught Percy's attention.

_THE DARK LORD KILLED BECAUSE OF A CAULDRON LEAK_

He screamed. He was going to put an end to the leakages, once and for all.

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**AN: Because why not.  
**


	9. Side job

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters. All characters belong to their owners.

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**Side job**

Ever wondered how they spend their free time? There is not much to say about how Hermione loved books, Ron was unbeatable in a game of chess, and Harry Potter would spend entire evenings chasing a golden ball. The rest of characters, on the other hand...

* * *

The sky was warped by smoke and shadow, the earth became flames.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Dumbledore bellowed, rising the Elder Wand and the Sword of Gryffindor above his head.

The Balrog whined. He just wanted to play a little with that kind old man.

* * *

The villains of Gotham City never rested. The weak light of a street lamp illuminated only a small circle on the ground - where Mr. Villain stood, reloading his Horrible Weapon of Doom, aimed at the figure in the dark.

The Catwoman yawned. "I won't wait the whole night, Mr. Villain."

Mr. Villain laughed.

"How foolish of you to come alone!"

Before Minerva reached for her wand, a black shape glided past them. It landed nearby and finally some light reached it - was that an enormous bat? A man? A wizard in dark robes?

"I didn't come alone," the Catwoman snapped and turned to the Potions Master. "And you're late."

"Potter has broken another twenty rules," he briefly explained. "I had to supervise a detention. Now, can we finally get rid of the Villain No.45721/27? I have essays to mark."

"B-but you're Batman!" yelped Mr. Villain. "You don't kill!"

"It's not my fault the comic authors wanted me to have some Moral Code," said Severus. A thin stick of wood appeared in his hand. _"Avada kedavra!"_

* * *

The couple stopped snogging for a second, so the Main Heroine could say something important.

"You are sso omg perfect and beautiful and dazzling omg holy crow!11oneone"

"Let's go and be chased by evil vampires, then you can be useless and I'll save you again, my love," whispered Cedric.


	10. Magical diet

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**Magical diet**

She couldn't take it anymore.

Enough wailing to buy him a chocolate. Enough sneaking in the night for a snack. Enough begging for a cake.

Petunia Dursley had enough, to the point when she resorted to solving the problem with magical means.

* * *

Obviously Harry didn't know any spells for that purpose, besides he wasn't allowed to use magic outside Hogwarts. But before he said anything, a crazy idea struck him... He owled Lupin, and a couple of days later he received a small package. Harry asked everyone to leave the kitchen, and opened the fridge.

"Come here, sweetheart... Hope you'll like your new home..."

* * *

Dudley was hungry.

He went to search for something edible.

Mrs. Figg, residing two streets away, clearly heard his shriek.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore stood over the cowering boy, handing him a letter addressed in green ink.

* * *

"How did you managed that?" asked Aunt Petunia upon seeing her dearest son storming out of the kitchen.

"That was easy," Harry shooed the Dementor back into where it resided. "I installed a Boggart in the refrigerator."


	11. Marauder Madness I & II

**Disclaimer: **same as in previous chapters.

**Warning:** Crack and insanity. SB/ JP, RL, PP, OC, RB, MM, APWBD, and the table leg. Ok, maybe not that last one**.**

* * *

_**Part one: 50 shades of black**_

**Summary: Siris black and his love storys. Sorry I suck at summaries, read to find out plz!**

The broom closet was small but they didn't need anything bigger rite now.

"we can not B seen," Siri whispered in2 the ear of his luver.

If some1 found out, the evil wizards in Sliterin would lose any respect for Reg and all da girls in Sirus' harem would run away screaming. Which brings another matter-

(20 mins later)

'Oh Siri where have U been?'

Sirius turned back and saw it was his 3rd girlfriend that day.

'Dont worry, ShadowMaryDarknesss-Notsue, now Im here!' he ecxlaimed, worried that she might find out bout his affair with Regulus, so he quickly kissed her passionately. That always works.

Then, he was about to do some quidih practice (Siri loved fast brooms) when he suddenly remembered he had a detention with McGonada for not handing in the essay yesterday. He quickly shifted into a dog, cuz he knew his professor likes wild secx with lots of biting and stuff.

(after the detention)

'Harder Padfoot, harder!'

James potter was so sexy and speciel, he totally did not deverse such a stupid, shallow bi**h like Evans. Btw he was gay so he could do it wif Sirius! Meanwhile Remus was covering both boyz with soft kisses, and Peter masticated on an apple.

When sudenly... the door of the unused classrom opened!

'What are you doing Mr Black?'

It was dumbledore and his Lemon Drops. (the headmaster was doing obscene things with them).

'were dating Professor,' Sirius grinned, without getting off James.

'Oh that's great, all four?'

"Yeah!'

"Lets join the boys in the common Room!" da headmaster seid excitedly.

And the orgy had started.

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_**Part two: Family Ties**_

**Summary: Sirius Black finds out the truth about his origins. It's more than he can bear.**

Ever wondered what to do with an illegitimate child in a respected pureblood family? Cast an adoption spell; it is an easy way to fake a blood relation and hide their true looks. The catch? This sort of spells _always_ wears off when the character reaches maturity.

You can imagine the shock when Sirius looked in the mirror on the day of his seventeenth birthday... No, not really. His expression could be described as something between sleepy/bored (the usual look) and mild surprise when he briefly saw his reflection that morning.

"Prongs and his pranks," he sighed. It wasn't the first time James had charmed his hair when he was asleep... right? Well, if that was his decision, Sirius would have chosen something other than this dark red, but oh well.

Yawning, Sirius slowly got dressed and went to join his friends in the Great Hall.

* * *

"There, look."

"Where?"

"Next to James Potter."

"Is that Sirius? What happened to him?"

"The Colovaria Charm, you idiot. Poor guy."

"You know, I think he looks fine."

Sirius didn't pay much attention to the whispers that followed him; in fact, he was far too busy telling James that he lacked creativity with practical jokes.

James denied having anything to do with that. What's worse...

"Padfoot, it's either a trick of light, or there's something wrong with your eyes," said Peter. "Better go and see Madam Pomfrey."

"If Red Furry made them silver, I'll run away from this fanfiction," Sirius shot the author an angry look and reached deep into the pocket of his robes. The enchanted map of Hogwarts, a vial of Instant Constipation Essence, a pocket mirror - oh, there it was. Yup, the same one he used to contact James when they had separate detentions.

Sirius thoroughly examined his reflection - blinked - looked one more time, just to make sure - blinked again -

"What." He said and put a period at the end, paying no attention to the rules of writing a proper dialogue whatsoever.

The twinkle in his eyes was unmistakable.

* * *

So the lunch time found Sirius sitting in front of Dumbledore and listening to the explanations the headmaster owed him.

"But _how_? No offence, sir, but... You know..."

Dumbledore smiled mysteriously. "Magic? Potions? Fanfiction?"

"Oh, right," said Sirius, though knowing that fact didn't make him any happier.

_Did __Dumbles__... and Professor McGonagall...? __Or worse, _he thought,_ Red Furry was crazy enough to involve Voldemort or some other Dark wizard... Or maybe _(Sirius was scared at the mere thought) _it had something to do with __Mrs. Norris?_

Dumbledore closed his eyes, seemingly trying to recall some memories. "That's not an easy question..." he said, doing nothing to hide the fact that he'd just used Legilimency. "Ah yes, now I remember-"

"Professor, I- I think I do not want to know-" Padfoot started in a weak voice, which surprised even him.

"I presume that your mother," Dumbledore made a dramatic pause, "is Rubeus Hagrid."

_"What?"_

* * *

**AN: S******ee _Marauders Discover Fanfiction_ by CoconutBanana. She's doing wonderful job!******  
**


	12. Secret Dating

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**Secret Dating**

_for eukaryote_

There are no words to describe how much these two loved each other; it was magic - only of a sort that would never be taught at Hogwarts or any other magical school for that matter. Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley were a perfect couple. However, even a perfect couple may have a hard time finding a secluded place (to do homework without anyone disturbing them).

* * *

_They hid in the Forbidden Forest._

"There are spiders on yer," said Hagrid while he was brushing the leaves and (carefully) insects off Harry. "Yer two shouldn' go in there, y'know?"

* * *

_They went on the top of the Astronomy Tower._

"Leave the classroom at once!" shrieked Professor Sinistra, who apparently have never been on a date. "You're going to get a cold!" (As if such petty things would matter.)

* * *

_They wandered off onto the Quidditch pitch._

"Potter!" Snape hissed, suddenly emerging from the shadows."What do I see here? Having a short intimate moment with your girlfriend - you're just like your father. There's no need to worry..." he drawled off, spreading darkness, fear, and hair grease. "Such behaviour isn't allowed at Hogwarts. Off to the headmaster, lovebirds. Go. _Now._"

* * *

When Harry and Ginny entered the office, Dumbledore quit writing in his eugenic notebook and looked at them expectantly. "What have you been doing _this time_?" he asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Riding a broom," Harry said finally, a shade of guilt in his voice.

"So that's how they call it now," Dumbledore nodded with understanding. He wasn't smiling anymore.

None of the students dared say anything, afraid they would make the situation even worse.

"I believe you had best intentions," the headmaster broke the uncomfortable silence. Fawkes let out a soft caw. "But it doesn't justify breaching school rules. Do you understand what might be the consequences of your actions?"

"Yes, Professor."

"I'll go and pack my stuff."

"I'm not going to expel you," said Dumbledore and the faintest shade of hope lit in Harry's heart. "Not yet. You will however serve detentions with me every day after classes until the end of your _seventh_ year," he made a pause, so that the message would sink in. (Forget the image of Harry cleaning the castle under the supervision of the headmaster's corpse. _Forget it._) "That is, unless Miss Weasley gets pregnant within a month."

This threat _always_ worked. Soon, his greatest plan would be fulfilled.

_Soon..._

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**AN: Creepier than I intended. But I still like the result, considering I wrote it during Chemistry class.**


	13. A giant discovery

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**A giant discovery**

_All for her._

He was the greatest spellcrafter across Wizarding Britain, famous for designing countless spells of every sort and purpose. You might think he had enough regular commissions not to have been able to work over a separate project for years; yet he had. It was no trivial matter – see, he longed to create one peculiar piece of magic; it was a powerful charm no one had ever gotten close to making.

He was doing it for her, always _for her._

And finally, one day he finished.

_"Engorgio,"_ he whispered.

The charm took effect immediately; the wizard scrutinized the results and pleased with the success cast the counterspell. The work of his life was complete; everyone would remember the name of Parvus Hagrid.

Now that he had the necessary magics, all that was left was to look for a ladder, and then he might finally hope for an heir.

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**AN: It seriously bothers me: _how?_**

**Bonus points if you know what _parvus_ means.**


	14. Twelve

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**Twelve**

The battle in the Department of Mysteries was over; only a pair of wizards had yet to finish. Or even to start.

On one end of the Atrium stood a tall, thin man dressed in nothing but a loose, pitch black robe – I don't even want to think how interesting would be to see him under the Levicorpus Jinx. His scarlet eyes stood in contrast with his chalky white skin; that was precisely the image you would expect from a fearsome* Dark Lord.

*(One might have thought that a Dark Lord who is friendly and looks completely innocent would pose a much greater threat, but oh well.)

Opposite of him stood an old wizard with an exceptionally long wand, interpret it however you want. It was a Gandalf-like sort of guy, if only a bit calmer and wearing bright pink; his eyes were twinkling with determination as he readied himself for the duel.

After a couple of seconds that seemed to be an eternity, Voldemort struck.

"Manipulative bastard!" he yelled. "Senile codger!"

"Foolish, arrogant boy with no respect for higher magics," retorted Dumbledore.

"Disgusting queer!"

"Does it even matter? I was the one who wrote _The Study of Dragon Blood_!"

"And I wrote an interactive diary!" laughed Voldemort. "What else do you have to say, filthy Muggle lover?"

Dumbledore hated to resort to blood purity, but he had very little choice. "You're just a son of Muggle and Squib!"

Voldemort was forced to focus on defence: "But I have enough power to move a dead giant wandlessly!"

"I can Apparate within Hogwarts!"

"I command an army of Death Eaters!"

"I command a thousand of hormone-driven teens!"

"I had to endure Wormtail when I got disembodied!"

"I have to endure the Hufflepuffs on a daily basis!"

The Dark Lord's eyes widened in fear. Feeling he was about to lose, he decided to use his ultimate argument.

"I have seven objects of power!"

Dumbledore smiled mysteriously and waited a few seconds before he spoke: "I have twelve!"

That was too much for Voldemort. He had failed miserably; the Light Lord once again stood victorious. Perhaps it was time to forget about world domination and start a Muggle campaign for endangered species of snakes? He hissed something in Parseltongue under his breath, dramatically swished his robes one last time, and Disapparated.

Dumbledore took out his sacred Lemon Drops and popped one into his mouth.

"Eleven," he muttered.

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**AN: Inspired by something I've found on Mugglenet, Wall of Shame:**

**_At a book signing Ben and I _(Emerson)_ did in Maine, a fan had a theory – he was absolutely convinced that Dumbledore is alive, has been making __Horcruxes__, and is on his __twelfth__ one._**


	15. Animagus Transformation

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**Animagus Transformation**

This particular Transfiguration assignment wasn't an easy one – you know, the sixth year covered human transfiguration and all that stuff. Okay, that's an understatement; the task McGonagall gave her Gryffindors had been fucking difficult. It will be enough if I say that she told them to discover their Animagus forms, so that they could meditate throughout the summer vacation and start working on the transformation at the beginning of the seventh year.

Predictably, Hermione did everything correctly. She waved her wand, said the incantation. A soft _pop_ could be heard; in seconds she turned into an otter.

Seamus was a fox.

Parvati was a pigeon.

Lavender was a bunny.

Neville was, quite surprisingly, a lion.

When Harry's turn came, he cast the spell. And waited. And then waited some more. Then, he changed into his newly revealed form; you know the drill. Then, Professor McGonagall blinked and took off her glasses, unsure if the sight in front of her was scientifically possible.

Finally, Ron broke the uncomfortable silence.

"Seriously, mate...? A _Flobberworm?_"


	16. Dramione

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

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**Dramione**

_for eukaryote_

_(...)_

_"Get away from me, you filthy little Mudblood!" _(He frowned.)

_Quick as lightning, Ron reached for his wand. "You will regret it, Malfoy!"_

_(...)_

Pffft. Canon-compliant. Seriously, who reads Canon fics? He took a short break to stir the potion.

* * *

_(…)_

_"WAIT!"_

_The Death Eater had grabbed her arm. As she struggled with him, the mask fell off his face. Her eyes widened; it was Malfoy._

_"Hermoine, listen to me. I don't want to be Voldemort's follower anymore. I have changed – don't you see?-"_

_She jerked free and stepped back. "Murderer. Dark wizard," she spat out. "The Aurors will be here in a moment."_

_(...)_

He stopped reading; too angsty. He had had enough angst in his youth to carefully avoid it for the rest of his life.

* * *

_(...)_

_"Drakey!" Hermione shrieked and jumped at the Slytherin, clinging to his neck and almost knocking him to the ground. "Now that it has been revealed that Tom Riddle is my father, we can date safely!"_

_Draco looked somewhat concerned. "But Aunt Bella is your mother. Doesn't it make us cousins?"_

(He sighed. There were worse kinds of incest he'd read about, but it wasn't right nonetheless.)

_"I don't care, I love you!"_

_(...)_

Good ol' DarkFic, but not what he needed at that moment. Something bright, colorful, optimistic...

He checked on the potion. Silver steam had already started to rise in spirals, but it needed some more time to be ready for use.

* * *

_(...)_

_'Mione do not leave us' Harry exclaimed._

_'I have _(An unfinished sentence?)_ needs me more than you.' with these words she got up and kissed them both and said 'Goodbye'. That was the last time they saw her._

_(...)_

No. Just no.

* * *

"This month we're working on Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger!" Dumbledore joyfully announced on a staff meeting and immediately began allocating tasks. "Hagrid, provide them beforehand with the necessary education. Minerva – here is Amortentia, use as much as they can possibly survive. Filius and Argus, lock them up together in the dungeons for a couple of nights. Severus, write me a good Dramione fanfiction..."

Snape took a deep breath.

"...and don't forget to finish your weekly HP/LV drabble."

* * *

_two weeks later_

The headmaster connected his fingertips and used his I'm-the-most-powerful-wizard-alive-deal-with-it look.

"I must say, your son is greatly contributing to magical equality, Mr. Malfoy. I have recently discovered he has been dating Hermione Granger, a muggleborn witch from the House of Gryffindor and a close friend of Harry Potter. Draco has proudly announced Miss Granger is going to be his future wife and that he is planning to produce a half-blood heir as soon as they both finish education."

Lucius was going paler and paler with every sentence. After the 'half-blood heir', he couldn't last any longer.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DATES GRANGER?!"

"I suppose the message is clear enough," Dumbledore said. "My school, my ships. Of course, if you are unsatisfied with this choice, a few thousand Galleons might help me convince Draco to reconsider his decision. Oh, and by the way - would you like a lemon drop?"

* * *

_Addendum_

Red Furry is perfectly aware that electricity doesn't work at Hogwarts. How Dumbledore could read fanfiction then? There are three possible explanations: a) he can power a notebook with magic, b) he doesn't give a shit because he's the headmaster, c) have you read the warning at the beginning of the first chapter?

The fourth is that d) he could have been using parchment.

* * *

**AN: It amuses me what a master of procrastination I am.**


	17. Meeting in the Shrieking Shack

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

* * *

**Meeting in the Shrieking Shack**

Harry Potter, who, according to every rule of the universe, was supposed to right now be sneaking out to Hogsmeade or hunt down the madman responsible for the death of his parents, was sound asleep in the dormitory, cuddled up to something very ginger and very fluffy. At some point, however, he woke up with a terrible scream and a pounding headache, and instantly remembered why participating in a badfic* drinking game was a bad idea. He needed to go outside... Let's say, to clear his mind. Amongst other things. Cold night wind would do him well... He hoped so.

*(The line _"...and then white sparks erupted from the tip of Dumbledore's wand"_ was just too much for him.)

Everyone was asleep, except some strange thing howling loudly in Professor Lupin's quarters, so Harry went for a walk. Because, like, he'd be utterly safe under the Cloak. Just sayin'.

To his surprise, in no time he found himself standing in the middle of the Entrance Hall and came to a conclusion that next time he'll be more careful with Firewhiskey (it was all because of Ron). This did not matter, however; he _needed_ some fresh air. Now.

* * *

At the sight of someone entering the room, the shabby man resting on the floor jumped to his feet and prepared to defend himself, instead of just shifting into his dog form and pretending to be a local stray. Because today Red Furry feels like making plotholes.

* * *

"Harry! It's not how you think it is, it's not my fault that James and Lily are dead, I've never killed anyone...!"

"Be quiet... Wait. Sirius Black...?" interrupted Harry, pointing his wand at him. "Uh... so... do you have anything for a hangover? Maybe? Just maybe?"

Insert some awkward silence here.

* * *

"Prongslet, how could you have gotten drunk without your godfather at the party!" exclaimed Sirius and drew a strange-looking, dusty bottle from under the bed.

* * *

**AN: A terribly old fic that I suddenly remembered about. Because I'm a lazy little shit and I didn't bother with translating it back then.**


	18. A Gaunt did it

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

* * *

**A Gaunt did it**

The basilisk has been fed, the Dark Arts practiced, the homework done; therefore, Tom Riddle could now quietly retreat to the Slytherin Common Room and see his loyal friends, the Knights of Walpurgis. Or something like that, for I do not really care about what Dark Lords in-making do in their spare time.*

*(This statement is a lie.)

He quietly closed the door, turned on the spot, and found himself looking straight at Professor Slughorn's immense stomach – because his ancestors couldn't have made some effort and actually _think_ for a while before disguising the entrance to the Chamber, oh no, that would be _logical_.

"...Tom, what exactly have you been doing in the girls' toilet?"

Tom did the only thing he could think of and played an innocent teenage boy. He succeeded. Almost.

* * *

**AN: Corvinus Gaunt was responsible for protecting and hiding the entrance during the Hogwarts plumbing in the 1700s. Oh well.**

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**Fifty reviews! My dear readers, you are awesome. *gives cookies***

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	19. Trapped

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters.

* * *

**T****rapped**

_somewhat inspired by chapter 14 of _This Is Not What I Had Planned_ by eukaryote_

Never before had he been in such peril. Absolutely terrified, he closed the door and leaned heavily on the washbasin. After splashing his face with freezing water he felt his senses and consciousness returning, but the danger stayed as real as ever, resting perhaps less than twenty feet away from where he stood.

"What's taking you so long, my dear?" the voice asked through the door impatiently.

"Give me a while," he said.

Indeed, Albus needed a while. Like, a long one. A really _long_ one.

He hadn't been prepared for this.

The prospects... Sly, cruel, and unyielding, yet as soft as a fluffy kitten (pity not everyone noticed that)... What they could achieve together! But there was a small spot on this picture of perfection.

Professor Umbridge was secretly a woman under these robes!

What shall he do? His first instinct was to summon Fawkes and flee somewhere safe from het pairings, raise the level of sugar in his blood, and maybe also clear his mind using the Pensieve... But he couldn't just leave it now. Not that he hadn't tried, he got no response though. Either the place was specifically warded, or that blasted bird was too busy with some snowy owl to notice the call.

He was about to go out and just end this madness, one way or another – until the realization dawned upon him. The solution had been _so obvious_. Albus grasped the Elder Wand and let out a dark chuckle at his own stupidity.

He was, after all, a master of transfiguration. Surely Umbridge wouldn't mind...

* * *

**AN: It turns out that watching AVPS just after reading fanfiction is a bad idea.**

**And I'm frustrated. All the fics about Dumbledore: a) are something I've already read, b) bash him, c) are poorly written, d) have him paired with a woman, and/or e) with everything that moves.**


	20. Pollyanna Potter

**Disclaimer:** same as in previous chapters. Pollyanna belongs to Eleanor H. Potrer.

* * *

**Pollyanna Potter**

_for Paranoid Splatter, a vicious entity of an infinite amount of genius mixed with insanity_

The first year started innocently.

The Potions Master was in foul mood, wasting his precious time patrolling the corridors (he tried to utilize it at least partially, thinking of new ways to torment students in his classes). He paid little attention to kids chatting, studying, or playing Gobstones, at least as long as they weren't breaking any of the sacred school rules... Until he saw the unmistakable strand of platinum-blonde hair in a group of students whose robes were outlined red and gold. Convinced that the Gryffindors were bullying Draco, Severus approached in a few long strides, making sure his robes were billowing menacingly enough.

"What is happening here?" he snapped, causing them to spring back and give him a bunch of somewhat surprised looks.

"I was showing Draco my timetable, so that we can meet after classes, sir," said a skinny black-haired boy with surprisingly bright, green eyes. "It's wonderful, making so many friends on the first day of school."

At that moment Draco very much resembled a cat (perhaps I shall say: ferret, but for certain individuals it's one and the same) blinded by car lights on a highway: wishing to escape and finding himself unable to move.

* * *

Objectively speaking, Severus couldn't accuse himself of being too harsh during the first classes. He asked Potter because he supposed the boy hadn't been paying attention; his questions were getting progressively easier; he wanted to check how much the students knew on the subject.

Frustrated at the boy's ignorance, he grabbed _A Guide to Psychomorphic_ _Herbal Remedies_, the most boring potions-related text he knew, and handed it to him, commanding to read it twice over the weekend.

Harry's eyes grew bigger. "Is it a magic book?"

"Perhaps your overall Potions skill level will increase a couple of points," a wry smile appeared on Severus' face.

...

"You really should smile more, professor."

* * *

It wasn't something he would normally assign, but seven hours of deciphering student scribble can do that to a man. Predictably, it was after Potter's blot-covered essay when he reached breaking point.

"You will take a quill," Severus made a pause, "and write a hundred times: I will be careful when using ink."

"Oh," Potter blinked. "That's actually very good."

The teacher raised one eyebrow. Just one.

Potter didn't stop talking. "You know, professor, I really think there should be some extra classes for Muggleborns before they start Hogwarts. Like me – I have never tried to write anything with a quill before I went here, it is great that you thought of giving me some practice."

Severus found himself searching for a sarcastic reply – to no avail.

* * *

The second year started strangely.

There have been many students aware of the fact that there were House Elves at Hogwarts. There have even been some (Muggle-raised, in most cases) that expressed their concern about 'poor, enslaved creatures'. Harry, however, had been likely the first one to actually try helping the elves himself.

Well, not just himself.

It was particularly amusing to watch as Potter lectured Draco on the best way to remove mud from the Entrance Hall.

* * *

Potter was a Parselmouth and knew of the Chamber of Secrets. It did not surprise Severus in the least.

Potter knew the exact location as well as the way to open it, and he did not hesitate to make use of such knowledge. Still, Severus was not surprised. Not at all.

Potter encountered there a part of Voldemort's soul and a starving basilisk. Once again, such things were common in magical schools, and thus not actually surprising.

Potter somehow convinced a fifty-foot-long serpent to join him and fight against Tom Riddle. It appeared as though the basilisk was kind of furious after fifty years of being locked up with only stray rats for food.

Severus idly wondered if he was going to retain his senses throughout the next years.

* * *

The third year started with two new pets sheltered in the Gryffindor Tower. One would have thought that an owl with a broken wing, which Harry claimed his own after failing to find her previous owner, should have been enough for him.

Severus hoped so.

In vain.

First, a stray cat-thing appeared one day in the Great Hall, wet, dirty, with tangled fur and a face straight from a wall collision. Okay, perhaps that one was a genetic trait. Needless to say, he was promptly taken care of by Harry and co.

Second, this cat-thing apparently didn't like prepared food. What he craved was bloodshed; thankfully, it ended along with the life of his first, innocent victim.

Third, a stray Belgian Shepherd followed. Two months of futile search of Scabbers later, the dog officially became Ron's pet. He was apparently so cool that McGonagall let him stay (rumours are that Dumbledore had bribed her).

Since the school rules allowed one pet per student, Severus was once again left weaponless.

* * *

Fourth, Harry made new friends.

Severus couldn't believe his eyes when he saw Harry going to visit Hagrid. Just as he got out of the castle, the boy stopped and said loud and clear:

"Good evening, Mr. Aloysius!"

The Dementor hovering nearby turned around and waved to Harry.

* * *

The fourth year started like a regular school year, and somehow ended with Harry dueling Voldemort.

It will be sufficient to say that only one wizard walked away after that fight – sane, unharmed, and in high spirits.

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**Word count: 900**


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